It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
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“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt