It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
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My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
If a coworker has two apples in his right hand and two oranges in his left hand, what does he have?
No chance of blocking an uppercut.