it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
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There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
every day I think about the girl who thought everyone could “hear the universe’s energy” and it turned out she just had tinnitus, I hope she’s doing well
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.