It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
This is not me but this is me
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!