Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
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ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Godspeed, John Glenn
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE