Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
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Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….