It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
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Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
What?
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids