@TheCatWhisprer

It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.

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@WheelTod

I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.

@OakHill_

I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.

1. My wife’s name

2. How to make a shank from a phone charger

3. I need Twitter

@MattKrahe

A gentle reminder that as a duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is unusual in that it could make it’s own custard.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*

*puts on ballerina shoes*

*puts on ballerina tiara*

Me: Who are you supposed to be?

4: A ninja.

@moutheaters

Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?

Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water

@PaperWash

[grocery store]

dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying

[baby keeps crying]

me: wow, your baby does not listen

@Ristolable

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

@Try2StopME

I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.