it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
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Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
Webb. James Webb.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake