it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

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Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.


Ranger Station

BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately

ME: No way

*porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*


Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.


[at wedding]
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Couple kisses
*yelling from the back row


These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before


Why are people giving something up for lint? I’m sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.


I had an aunt who was told by the Vet to get her overweight dog outside of the house more often.
She then took him for car rides twice a day.
I worry those genes are in me somewhere.


The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.


Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.