@ch000ch

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

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@KentWGraham

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

@iamspacegirl

Ranger Station

BOSS: I have reports that you treat the wildlife inappropriately

ME: No way

*porcupine waddles by w/ kebabs on each quill*

@ManJuggs

Just overheard the gentleman in the next stall whisper “get out of me” and then start to cry. God I hate the Olive Garden.

@stormy_hero

[at wedding]
“I now pronounce you husband and wife.”
Couple kisses
*yelling from the back row
“AWKWAAAARD”

@LuvPug

These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before

@AngelaEhh

Why are people giving something up for lint? I’m sweeping that shit up every day if you want some more.

@CrabbyDaCrab

I had an aunt who was told by the Vet to get her overweight dog outside of the house more often.
She then took him for car rides twice a day.
I worry those genes are in me somewhere.

@robfee

The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.

@minafisheyes

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.