its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
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Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”