I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
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My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Me: Hurry up kid. We’re gonna be late for school
6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*
I’m having an out-of-money experience.
[country music plays in elevator]
ME: I hate Toby Keith
HIM: This isn’t Toby Keith
ME:(leans into his face) I don’t give a shit who this is
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Things you have done this year that irritated me.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.