it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk

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I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.


Me: Hurry up kid. We’re gonna be late for school

6 y/o daughter: *begins eating each Lucky Charms marshmallow individually*


[country music plays in elevator]

ME: I hate Toby Keith
HIM: This isn’t Toby Keith
ME:(leans into his face) I don’t give a shit who this is


Things you have done this year that irritated me.
-An anthology.


Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is