@BrettDruck

It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

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@SteveKoehler22

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

@L8yK8y

Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.

@Kids_kubed

It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️

@BrettDruck

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

@Rainbowbunee

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

@dragonsorbet

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

@just1fool

Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend’s microwave.

@themiltron

scientist 1: how did you discover that dolphins have sex for pleasure?

scientist 2: [flashback to the craziest night of their life] math

@PolishWonder79

Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.