It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”

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Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.


Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.


It’s happened

I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room

Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻‍♀️


I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire


My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.


[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too


Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend’s microwave.


scientist 1: how did you discover that dolphins have sex for pleasure?

scientist 2: [flashback to the craziest night of their life] math


Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.