PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Her: ID please
Me: my beard is almost white
Her: still need it
Me*whispers* I know why you work at a gas station
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
[i arrive in hell]
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
[i arrive in super hell]
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.