It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

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Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.


The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don’t accidentally burn their eyes.

I went to school with asbestos…


You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”


Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.


[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe


My phone makes a dew drop sound for notifications.
I was holding an #alpaca up close and showing him to a customer when a notification came in.
Spent the rest of the time trying to explain to the customer that alpacas do not make dew drop noises.


When being attacked yell “FREE CUPCAKES” so people come help you.


Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.


Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???