@sixfootcandy

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

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@Maxine12339

Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.

@SaltyCorpse

The county is excusing our kids from school on eclipse day so they don’t accidentally burn their eyes.

I went to school with asbestos…

@GreenishDuck

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

@Dad_At_Law

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

@mjkspeaks

[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

@GruntledChalkie

My phone makes a dew drop sound for notifications.
I was holding an #alpaca up close and showing him to a customer when a notification came in.
Spent the rest of the time trying to explain to the customer that alpacas do not make dew drop noises.

@delusions_of

When being attacked yell “FREE CUPCAKES” so people come help you.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.

@Trisarahjtops

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???