@sixfootcandy

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

- @sixfootcandy

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@tlcprincess

Man reading a book: hot

Man with a baby: hot

Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.

@sskylark

mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes

@WhatevaConc

A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.

@ComeHome4Dinner

2 grams for $40??? Son, you are getting soooooo ripped off.

Go see Jermaine on Fremont St. Tell him Your Mother sent you.

@TheFunnyWorId

I refused to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.

But when I got home, all the signs were there.

@PissingLaughter

Fake moms- ‘I never want to be away from my children’

Real moms- ‘You drop that pizza, I’ll put you up for adoption’

@MomOnFire

I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.

@SilenceDogood81

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

@norm

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

@simoncholland

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.