Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
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ME: Can I have some of your fries?
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Brutus is my BOY, dude. We’ve been crushing it together for years. Ah word here he comes now. Looks like he got me a new knife, sick
“You sure that’s the right word?”
“Yeah, like 80% sure.”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”