@preawsaurus

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

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@StarWarsProblms

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

@dumbbeezie

I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague

@JimGaffigan

A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?

@BeTheBoy

The first sign I wasn’t going to be a doctor is when I called Anatomy “Skeleton Class.”

Sign two was failing skeleton class.

@PantlessCanuck

Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one

@Peauxtassium

Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet

@MatCro

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

@Shade510

If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.

@Grommit56

Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.

@TheBigBatman

Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.