it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.

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Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.


I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague


A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?


The first sign I wasn’t going to be a doctor is when I called Anatomy “Skeleton Class.”

Sign two was failing skeleton class.


Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.

Me: I need one


Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet





C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having


If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.


Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.


Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.