it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
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I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
you will never know the true number of layers
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?