it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
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“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
motivation
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
It’s about time you stopped being a bystander and became a passerby.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting