It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
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I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.