plumber: i’ve come to do the pipes
salazar slytherin: make sure they’re big enough for a giant snake
salazar slytherin: no reason
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
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coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
[waking up after car crash]
Doctor: Sadly, we could only reattach 8 of your fingers. However we were able to reattach all 12 of your toes
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.