It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
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Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.