It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
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me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.