It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

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anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer


Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!

Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.


Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.


Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.


My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.


I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow


[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers


I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.


The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.