anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
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Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!
Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
The guy who invented the mohawk was originally just trying to get his sideburns the same length.