@WheelTod

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.

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@BunAndLeggings

Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.

@3sunzzz

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

@De_ja_vu_who

I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,

Smiling

You know what’s coming next..

It’s your turn to do the laundry

@thedad

I love saying “were you born in a barn?” when my kids leave a door open because it also leaves them wondering “do barns not have doors?” and “why doesn’t dad know where I was born?”

@KateWhineHall

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

@cravin4

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

@slimmy_shady

Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.

@phxguy88

I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.

@JohnLyonTweets

I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.

@AmishPornStar1

My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…

And then eat seven dinners.