It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
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Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so