It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
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friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
you stereotypes are all alike
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.