It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane