[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
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no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
I blanked when I got to the counter at Starbucks and said “vodka soda” and she said “huh” and I said “huh” and then we stared at each other until I remembered I was there for coffee.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.