@SteveSuckington

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

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@hbombmom

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

@Scdavis24

I emailed my ex-girlfriend “Are you still alive” and she emailed back “No” which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.

@mommajessiec

Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?

Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.

@Mr_Kapowski

*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
*I follow*

Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*

@Elizasoul80

I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.

@Jake_Vig

Torn this election season.

I think it would be awesome to have the first woman president.

But I’m also curious about the apocalypse.

@dafloydsta

[first day as a lawyer]

ME: Clearly my client is guilty, your Honor.

JUDGE: *pinching bridge of nose* Are you sure you want to defend yourself?

@AdderallMomma

I’ll huff
I’ll puff
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.

-Big Broke Wolf