Why does gigahertz? Because megabytez.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
I emailed my ex-girlfriend “Are you still alive” and she emailed back “No” which made me sad but also excited that they have email in hell.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
*wife and I start having an argument in a crowded restaurant*
*she storms out upset*
Outside: “DINE AND DASH SUCCESS!” *high 5*
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Torn this election season.
I think it would be awesome to have the first woman president.
But I’m also curious about the apocalypse.
[first day as a lawyer]
ME: Clearly my client is guilty, your Honor.
JUDGE: *pinching bridge of nose* Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
and I’ll smoke all of your stuff.
-Big Broke Wolf