@SteveSuckington

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

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@theshamingofjay

I was going to get a tattoo but then I realized I’m 34 and I’m still not sure if I like tomatoes.

@stephenjmolloy

Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.

@dubstep4dads

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

@GlennyRodge

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

@ShaeAaron

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

@Queen_Sassy_AF

At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.

@JermHimselfish

Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.