It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
S O O N
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
*text message*
Cat: Slave, I’m missing a box. I had 2 & now I have 1. I blame the dogs. Find it.
Me: but I’m at work.
Cat: find it.
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually