The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
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I was going to get a tattoo but then I realized I’m 34 and I’m still not sure if I like tomatoes.
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Aladdin is really just an elaborate catfish story.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.