It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

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I was going to get a tattoo but then I realized I’m 34 and I’m still not sure if I like tomatoes.


Me: I got a job interview next week.

Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.

Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.


[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh


I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.


“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.


At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.


At confession today I felt like I could finally breathe, until the priest told me to put my clothes back on.


Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.