Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
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Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was “what do they know that I don’t?”
You ask me if I’m drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.