@hipstermermaid

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

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@SimplySnaccbar

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

@KeetPotato

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

@browneyegirl9

If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.

@jwoodham

You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.

@CornOnTheGoblin

(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread

@Sassafrantz

Saw a couple wearing surgical masks in public and all I could think was “what do they know that I don’t?”

@thatUPSdude

You ask me if I’m drunk? Well just spent 10 minutes looking for my phone using the flash light app on my phone.

@simoncholland

I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.

Dad, we’re right in front of you

Uh….. go ask your mom.

@slimmy_shady

My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.