It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
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Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
Damn what did I do next
[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
B
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.