It’s an epidemic…
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Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?
Edgar: *shrugs*
teacher: Poe, try
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
Shower sex be like:
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!