@ChambersFineArt

It’s an epidemic…

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@MartaEffing

I hate when I catch a bouquet at a wedding and everyone judges me for lighting it on fire.

@AdamBroud

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

@dadthatwrites

“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers

@cheers27402373

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

@sixfootcandy

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

@Girl_Censored

A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.

@GrowlyGrego

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

@bridger_w

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this