It’s an epidemic…

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TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”


Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!

My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die


HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot


Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”


My husband asked what Vine was while reading a BOOK. Hahaha 1910 called, it wants its intellect strengthening form of entertainment back!


i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”


If you listened to your heart please speak to a doctor cause it’s isn’t normal for a piece of meat to be speaking to you


Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.


I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.