It’s an epidemic…

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I hate when I catch a bouquet at a wedding and everyone judges me for lighting it on fire.


Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel


Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know


“You’re just like me, trash!”
-My toddler, quoting Toy Story 4 completely out of context, to random strangers


I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.


BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*


A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.


“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors


“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation


ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this