My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
You Might Also Like
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
*goes to Walmart*
*goes to Target*
*flies across world*
*takes train*
*rides in car*
*hikes highest mountain*
*gets to Guru*
Me: Where do I find the 3rd item on this school supply list?
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I love the honesty
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell