It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

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WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?



ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.


Geologists are still pissed the phrase, “it’s not rock science” never caught on.


I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.


The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him


“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road


Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun


[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread