@bartandsoul

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

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@thedad

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

@StranDadAbroad

Geologists are still pissed the phrase, “it’s not rock science” never caught on.

@JimmerThatisAll

I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.

@briangaar

The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him

@DirtMcTurd

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

@LoriLuvsShoes

Who me? Oh I’m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong…marriage is fun

@1_dingle

[about to invent toaster]

i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread