It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
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At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
*walks into a room full of people*
*looks around*
*answers fake phone call*
*leaves*
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one