It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
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People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Me recordaron éste meme
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”