Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
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If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Bond. Trauma bond.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.