It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
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4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.