It’s bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, “Stay in drugs, don’t do school” in a serious tone.

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I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”


Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …


I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.


100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.


It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.


You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.


A couple’s having breakfast. He says, “Were you faking it last night?” She says, “No, I was really asleep.”


If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.


I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.