Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
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Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
only 11 steps left
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife