It’s bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, “Stay in drugs, don’t do school” in a serious tone.

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I bet there are at least a few seconds when a tiger is chasing you where you look back and are like, “awwww…”


Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.


I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.


This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.


*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.


God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy


You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.


Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes