I bet there are at least a few seconds when a tiger is chasing you where you look back and are like, “awwww…”
It’s bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, “Stay in drugs, don’t do school” in a serious tone.
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Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Only 1890’s kids will get this
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
You can tell your life sucks when you run into traffic and the cars go around you.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes