@ramjitsingh_

It’s bad when you accidentally tell a 9 year-old child, “Stay in drugs, don’t do school” in a serious tone.

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@EmberToAsh

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

@CantWaitToNap

Husband: “I read that divorce rates will increase because of pandemic.
Do you …

Me: “Yes, I want a divorce.”

Husband: …think it’s true.”

Me: …
Husband: …

@wittwitbarista

I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.

@Ristolable

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

@TheMichaelRock

It’s like Batman didn’t even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.

@nayele18

You really have to question the judgment of people who have children on purpose.

@JackieMartling

A couple’s having breakfast. He says, “Were you faking it last night?” She says, “No, I was really asleep.”

@Ivsy01

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

@butterwolf

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.