“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
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I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.