“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
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When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
I’m giving up for Lent.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.