It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
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Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Otters drive ottermobiles.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!