It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
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Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I forgot how to panic. Help
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.