It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
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If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
I hate elevators, they give me vertigo
I take many steps to avoid them
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
“I’m giving you a bath, with or without you!”
(and other ridiculous things I say as a parent).
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’