its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
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Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance