its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
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wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
Mummies are just super modest zombies
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”