Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
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Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
#Caturday
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.