@CulturedRuffian

It’s been 3 years since I gave myself 1year to live after self diagnosing on WebMD and I’m still here defying the odds everyone. WINNING!

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@WilliamAder

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

@TheCatWhisprer

Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.

@jlock17

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

@Aikiwomannc

Me: *finally asleep*

Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

@mommajessiec

Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”

Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]

Possum: [pops up]

Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]

Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]

@WAYNES_O

When the mosquito landed on my face, it was one of the easier decisions of the day for my wife.

@lyric_intent

[Broken Air Conditioner]
Her:*sweaty* how did the pioneers ever survive without A/C?
*sweating audibly* well, they’re all dead, aren’t they?

@EJGomez

*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN

@Playing_Dad

Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?