Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
It’s been 4 years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else
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Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
I always wear black. That way I’m ready, at any given moment, for an impromptu night out or your funeral, whatever.
*stuffing face* sorry i eat a lot when im nervous
‘u know ur eating a candle right?’
yah *points to napkin* u gonna finish that