@colebuer

It’s been 4 years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else

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@junejuly12

Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.

@ericonederful

Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.

@huntigula

*finds all 7 dragonballs

*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”

@YesNoSuper

Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it

@PaulChimko

The sound that tennis players make but I’m just picking my socks up off the floor.

@IamEveryDayPpl

My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…

@TheGladStork

When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

@ABC7

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

@KPsych29

I always wear black. That way I’m ready, at any given moment, for an impromptu night out or your funeral, whatever.

@hippieswordfish

[1st date]
*stuffing face* sorry i eat a lot when im nervous

‘u know ur eating a candle right?’

yah *points to napkin* u gonna finish that