@MandiAtRandom

It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.

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@JennyJohnsonHi5

Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.

@LibyaLiberty

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.

@Gupton68

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

@ObscureGent

What jugglers do best

1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle

@Lance_Said_This

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

@msgwenl

Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.

@bigTman001

Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?

@TwatWaffler69

I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.

@HappyHijabbi

Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar

Me too kid, me too