Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
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My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
I had sex with a girl on a first date once. Boy was her date pissed.
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
What jugglers do best
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?
Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugar
Me too kid, me too