It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
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Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.