It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
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I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder