@_CakeBawse

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

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@dafloydsta

Siri, what’s depression?

Siri: Here are your directions to Chuck E Cheese.

@Brampersandon_

Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?

-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.

@ClichedOut

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

@heyitsJudeD

Why is my body letting me get a cold?

I gave it an orange only last week….

@JllyJllyFish

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

@Steelers1972

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

@eff_yeah_steph

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

@Just_Wanjiru

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

@ALLCAPSBRO

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?