Siri, what’s depression?
Siri: Here are your directions to Chuck E Cheese.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
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Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
me: will i go to jail in the future
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
“Wait, it wasn’t us? Are you sure?” – Fox News
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?