@_CakeBawse

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

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@SteveKoehler22

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

@JosesLovesYou

“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer

@theferocity

I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.

@AmishPornStar1

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

@pleatedjeans

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

@ninjadinosaur1

I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.

@Book_Krazy

Dr: You’ve gained some weight

Me: You said I should take it easy

Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick

Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER

@omerwahaj

What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?

@RandomManik

Sometimes I ponder over things like,

-What is life?

-Where am I going?

&

-What the hell is a “spokes” person for a bike company called?

@joejwest

[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]