@MeatloafComedy

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

You Might Also Like

@MaryKoCo

Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL

@LurkAtHomeMom

My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.

@MartaEffing

[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*

@MelKassel

The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?

@thepunningman

A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.

@thenatewolf

Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You?

Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I’m singing it won’t hold me.