“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
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‘welcome to helicopter class. any questions..’
*student raises hand*
*arm gets obliterated by chopper blades*
‘can wait until we go inside’
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it’s ok to get out of her bushes.
Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar