Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
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Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
[1st day in hell]
Devil: Your damnation will be that you are a shoe model for all eternity.
Me: That’s it?
D: *hands me orange Crocs*
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Date: my worst fear is not living up to my own expectations. You?
Me: that if I ever lay across a piano while I’m singing it won’t hold me.
My first child will be named New Folder.