@MeatloafComedy

It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.

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@Mardigroan

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

@hippieswordfish

‘welcome to helicopter class. any questions..’
*student raises hand*
*arm gets obliterated by chopper blades*
‘can wait until we go inside’

@XplodingUnicorn

Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.

@Jandalize

I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.

@CoopSoSarc

All I want from a woman is for her to hold my hand, look into my eyes, and tell me it’s ok to get out of her bushes.

@shkeeber

Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.

@ArfMeasures

Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?

Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong

Personal Trainer: Anything else?

Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps

@sandjoeman

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

@SteveSackington

Look, all I’m saying is, you never see Nikki Manaj and E.T. in the same place at the same time.

@jonnysun

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar