It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
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You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
this is the best day of my life
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful