Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
If you’re in a clown posse, you don’t need to tell us you’re insane. We know.
Nobody’s thinking you’re an emotionally stable clown posse.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR FANNYPACK WANT TO GO IN THE VENDING MACHINE.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen