@luiki89

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

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@rebrafsim

[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.

@mdob11

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

@juskewitch

If you’re in a clown posse, you don’t need to tell us you’re insane. We know.

Nobody’s thinking you’re an emotionally stable clown posse.

@TylerLinkin

I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.

@_The_Man__

Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?

@frogshack

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

@Book_Krazy

[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen