It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

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[leaving Hooters]

Wife: you thought there’d be owls

Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous


Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.


Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁


If you’re in a clown posse, you don’t need to tell us you’re insane. We know.

Nobody’s thinking you’re an emotionally stable clown posse.


I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.


Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?


*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him


[Dinosaur Rap Battle]

We’re gonna win this for sure!

“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”

WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen