It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
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Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”
It’s 11:15 pm.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”