Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
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[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Kiwis are just lemons that forgot to shave.
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?