It’s been a terrible year for burglars

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Pro tip:

Don’t drop the remote on your wife’s face when she falls asleep in your lap


[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.


Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.


Me: Did you use my highlighter?





2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.


*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do


Surgeon: I can’t find the clot

Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise


I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.


[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?


Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?