Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
You Might Also Like
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.