@CrackedIllusion

It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.

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@UncleDuke1969

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

@acidicjews

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

@mommajessiec

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

@JohnLyonTweets

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

@KKAlThani

Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption “Summer is finally here!” or we wouldn’t have known it’s summer.

@Cpin42

NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.

@WindPushedGrass

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

‘Is this spicy?’

– White people at Indian Buffets

@buhsbaby_baby

I feel like auto-correct should know by now that I’d never ask anyone to “jazz” all over my face.

@LlamaInaTux

Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart

Me: it’s pandamonium!

Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]