It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
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I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.